epistemological journey

First thing first, I still haven’t receive my darling’s letter.  What’s wrong?  I miss him so much.  I can’t wait to meet him in Bangkok.  Another 11 days, but but i want to read his letter….Now, where is my darling’s letter??

Meanwhile, alot has happened in my job.   One of this guy, a colleague of mine from other branch, has make me fire burning, yes I am fiery.  What you did to me, I want you to get the same thing you gave me.    I cannot tolerate you anymore.  I cannot let you do whatever you want to do to my branch’s colleague.  I want to protect them and he has no right to instruct me.  This guy is terrible, too much.  You have been watching idiot~!

Anyways, I really can’t wait to see my darling anymore….still too many days to wait until I meet him in Bangkok…waiting is so so hard.

p/s. I love you, Simon.

YingZhi~!!  Your call brighten up my life.  Miss you so much, you know it! ( just want to keep this picture for memory, we knew each other when we were 18).  Strangely,  I received few calls this week.  Those people I’ve known 2 years ago and some are from 5 years ago.  You never expect things, they come to you, straight to your face.  

2)…you start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that theyare realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

3)…you look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

4)…you miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all.

5)…you are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing adn find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddently you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

6)…you are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

7)…suddently change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

8)…you worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Have you done yours?  Due date is tomorrow.  Good Luck!

This is so beautiful..so beautiful a song to and to his singing to begin with.

I am addicted to 梁文音 voice.  Too good to be true.   And,  look at her,  she’s so cute, so sweet and pretty ~!  I am very addicted to her voice, she sings so well in every song.  I am watching you, girl~!

梁文音-海上花 ( Hai Shang Hua )

是這般柔情的你　給我一個夢想
徜徉在起伏的波浪中隱隱的盪漾
在你的臂彎, 是這般深情的你　搖晃我的夢想
纏綿像海裡每一個無垠的浪花
在你的身上, 睡夢成真　轉身浪影洶湧沒紅塵
殘留水紋　空留遺恨　願只願他生
昨日的身影能相隨　永生永世不離分
是這般奇情的你　粉碎我的夢想
彷彿像水面泡沫的短暫光亮
是我的一生

Oh so well….

Darling, this is the show I always rush home every Sunday and catch up with this show - “One Million Star”… I can’t help it but they are too good… am still following up closely on the show… Maybe I will till you come back and we watch it together.

I am really crazy for this 2 particular Taiwanese singer.   Now that you know that I am always on You.Tube just for this 2 singer.    This is what I call a very professional singer.  Not only their voice, but the stage performance make me oh so well….I am not sure what’s your taste.  My current favourite singer 蕭敬騰 and 梁文音.

梁文音 偏心 ( Pian Xin )

梁文音 - 我可以為你擋死  ( Wo Ke Yi Wei Ni Dang Xe )

蕭敬騰-世界唯一的你  ( Shi Jie Wei Yi De Ni )

Korea and Hong Kong, rocks (will write up a proper post with pictures soon)~!

Darling, you gave me a wonderful trip i’d never think i’ll ever have.  You cycled with me in the beautiful Korea,  eat all the spicy food with me, having so much conversation with me, small talk important.  You shared your sadness, i think no sad thing from you, you always raised me up and you shared all your happiness with me.   You make me walk so much during the trip :)  But, I am loving it so much because things I’ll never try before, I had my wonderful and memorabe 28th Birthday day with you in another country, I will never forget..

I think we really enjoyed ourselves.  I would like to thank you to my darling who spend the valuable time with me and your caring takes it’s place.    I can’t believe i’ve had you in my lives for 6 beautiful months.   Be here, just be there my one, and only love.    You’re mild, compassionate and incredibly understanding of my mood.   Next, you’re a gentle giant.   You let me bite you and I know it hurts you but I’ve seen you tolerate me so much.   Thank you darling.   My mum love you and your great me is in love with you.   Now that you are in China,   I can’t let go my phone or internet 24 hours without seeing you as just being around you makes me happy.   I really love having you in my life.    You’ll never misses my birthday.  You wish me Happy Birthday,  darling.  Here’s to many more.

I have lots of things to pen down from my last trip.  Right now, i can’t write much because the pictures are stored in my darling’s camera.   But I will wait to be able to write something interesting here and pictures tells everything.

Woot…romantic movie.    On the plane, I watched PS I Love You  with Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler and I was literally bawling my eyes out throughout the entire time.   The movie is about a young widow who loses her husband and how he helps her get back on her feet from the grave.   Well, not quite from the grave.   He plans the entire process before his death, of course.   And well, it touched things that were just too close to home and I couldn’t bear the emotions that I was feeling.  This movie took place in my darling’s homeland, Ireland.    At the same time, my darling wrote me a note on the flight ticket - on his note - P.S. Charlene, I love you.

Yes!!! i don’t know how many people read my blog, but never care.  But, i know my darling enjoy reading my blog.  Correct or not?

My next trip with my darling are

Bangkok- 16th May to 19th May 2008

Ireland-    20th June to 1st July 2008

Photo from Nick in the crowd at Alexis

This is a long overdue picture.  I was out for drink with my friend, Nick from Sydney.  A friend of him, Rei whose father is a British and the mum is a Malaysian-Chinese.  I was new to this place.  But it is a really nice place to chill out at night.

Anyways.  Work is more or less the same.  Met a lot of interesting walks of people this week.  My PR skills is getting better and better.  I think.

I was back home early last night and I started to list down some of the pending things I have not even started.  How many times have you wanted to do something but for whatever reason you never tried? Maybe it was fear of failure?  Maybe the fear of ridicule? Maybe you thought about your idea so much that it started to sound stupid?  I’m sure you have heard the old saying that it’s better to have tried and failed at something than to have never tried at all? Who hasn’t right? If you stop and think about the message for a second, it can be very powerful.

In my job, i met a lot of people from all walks of life.  I give consultation, presentations and talked to them and I love to analyse them, each of their characteristic.  Only to found out a couple of thing and the summarized.    I think there are a lot of people that have great ideas, but they never come to fruition because of the fear of failure.   Sometimes I catch myself believing that it’s safer to never try and follow my dreams, fight for something, fight for someone because that way, I’ll never fail.

I have come to realization.  So, I’ll tell you a little secret.   When I first started involving Sales (I have to have norminal understanding on the I.T terminology, this is the complicated and challenging part of it), it wasn’t the fear of failure that held me back, it was the feeling that I wasn’t good enough.   I mean, there are hundreds of better sweet talkers, and entrepreneurs who have been around for years and are already established with great publicity and a big following, so how could I ever compete?   I felt like I had to learn before I could start developing my ideas.   The answer was right under my nose.   There is no better way to learn, than to learn while doing.   On one of those rainy days, someone once told me this: You really are better than you think, it’s just that some people just realize that earlier than others.

You know.  Sometimes the worst failure, the worse mistake beats the hell out of never ever trying.  I think Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.  Do you agree with me?

Happy moments is approaching.  I am meeting my darling in just 6 days away….

Simon is in Seoul on the 2nd day.  See’ya :)  I am going out to shopping with my friends shortly.  Okbye

haha..everyday is the same…

7.30am - wake up, dress up nicely and make up to look more beautiful

8am to 8.30am - reach office and start for the day to read and reply work e[mails].

9am  to 12pm - solve problems from clients and associates / meetings.

12pm to 1pm - no lunch.  Continue work.  But I sometimes blog or go facebook lately

1pm to 9pm - work.

9pm to 10pm - Dinner with family, a cuppa drinks at the local mamak with friends. 

10pm to 11pm - watch TV and open up my dairy and plan ahead for the next day.

11pm to 12am - Books.

12am - Good nite.

So..so..my life is so mundane and boring right?  But i only have fun on Saturday and Sunday.  I can go for jogging, swimming, food, sleep and shopping with the family, etc etc.

I miss my darling so so much.  Another 8 days to go.  I can’t wait anymore~!

Blogging.

I received lots of “anonymous comments” on my blog lately or even way 2 years ago.  I don’t know it’s about “you” or not.  That you broke my heart so deeply many years ago, were you the one? i do not want to know.  But i knew it’s “you” that hide behind and not wanting to review.  I still can see you from the friendster stats that you viewed me a couple of times, even to this blog.  But, you will never get into my friendster profile because i’ve locked the entries privacy permanently.  After that incident, you blog about how waste of time me on blogging as though like i have nothing to do.  Fine.  Why is that you blogged about this in the first place?  Silly right?  You anonymous, back off.

Anyway, forget it.

There are many reasons i blog although i don’t make it daily but depending on my moods sometimes :).  Let me see, what i like to blog or read blog…I think I often read well-written definitely, heartfelt entries.  The ones that are most compelling are the ones that are real.  I am constantly reading some few interesting blog.  They are a good write.

Okay.  I recall i started blogging when one of my friend - James who passed away few years back and he told me a few secrets.   Then he asked that I sign up for a blogger then now I have come to wordpress because I could then read his locked entries and because he felt it was a great way to keep in touch with people you care about. He was right

So..

One of the reasons i like blogging because it’s a creative outlet of sorts.   I get to read about my friends and what’s happening in their lives at odd hours when I’m just desperately trying to catch up with the rest of my life.   Not feeling like I’m totally out of touch even though I’m really busy.   Being able to reflect upon how much better or how much worse life was a year ago, whenever I feel like I need to remember to appreciate the past.  Both the good and the bad.   There again, i dislikes the silly politics that comes with adding and deleting people and sometimes I think I spend way too much time sorting photographs and crafting entries, and forget about living.

Now, have I ever had to delete unkind comments?   Yes i did.  Who hasn’t?  Everyone gets them, it’s how you deal with them that determines if you’ll receive any more in the future.   The most effective way?  Ignore them.  Respond to one and you’ll perpetuate comments from not just supporters but a whole slew of haters as well.  Anonymous now you know how irritating are you?!!

I think most of my immediate circle of friends certainly know of its existence, especially Janice from Canada :) , then my favourite reader, John Tsan from L.A.   And now, with the exception of my darling Simon, I don’t think anyone reads it regularly though!     Oh i forgot,  Wayne, Vincent, Alan  told me once upon a time that they enjoyed reading what I wrote.  They said it was like a precious glimpse of how my mind worked.   They doesn’t read it that much nowadays, if at all.   Probably thinks it’s too long winded.

Actually,  I started blogging in 2003.  After James RIP,  I stop writing for a little while.  Few months later, i found out a French guy, Patrick P.’s blog.  I found his written post really interesting and inspired.  Then, i started to blog again.  For the first year, only a few other very close/old friends were on my list.   But through them came others who left comments and this unlocked a whole big blog world that I had no idea existed.   Some people became real friends, while others did weird things and because strangers again. Over time, I stopped adding people randomly and although I still treasure the friends I have made online,  I’m a lot more cautious with the whole thing.   The darling Simon, my then-boyfriend at this time, started to read my posts whenever he travels and although I was careful with this at first, I later found that he enjoyed them as he said he liked reading specifically about my appreciation of our relationship/life.   And that knowing I was happy made him very happy.  darling correct or not??

I told Simon that it’s been a good place to document memories as well especially i now have him and my life as i’m a big fan of wordpress.   One day when I’m old and grey, it’ll be nice to print it all out and remember what life was like.

Simon sms-ed me that he was on the bullet train to Kyoto and that was real fast.  Sound cool right?  Another 1 week to go and I will meet my darling.

Mum and sis just arrived Taiwan.  Keep safe sis and mummy ~!

I am so envy Simon ~!  Now, he is happily enjoying his trip in Japan.  As long as he is happy, then so am I.

You know, I always fascinated to the people who can travel all over the world.  Travelling is a life of our own.  We don’t need to worry about our job, well rested and just travel.  I realized.   I should keep traveling the world!   I think I only have one chance to take time off.   I mean, you have the rest of your life to work.   Before you know it, you’ll be strapped down with kids and a mortgage and you’ll never get this opportunity again, ever.

Have you ever wondering, do you know what you want to do with your life?   Was there something that you wanted to be as a kid and never got around to achieving?  Or are you living your dream, doing something that you love, doing something that you’re great at, and wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world?

The only reasons I work so hard for is I want to travel around the world.  I should start doing it from now and before I turn 30s.    Traveling usually gives you a renewed sense of direction in life.   With me it was a renewed sense of gratitude.    Even though my specialty is bitching about how life likes to kick me in the ass,  I am aware of what I have been blessed with.   The universe is a funny thing, it can open a million doors or it can take it away in the blink of an eye.

You know, sometimes I don’t know how to explain my trip because words really wouldn’t do it justice.   I think this may explain why my past entries have been solely pictures. Photojournalism speaks volumes where words sometimes can’t convey, Correct or not?  How do I say this? When you do the 5-star all-inclusive, you’re endorsing a fabricated city owned by imported foreigners who drive up land prices; all the while employing locals for a mere fraction of their profit.

I am confident the year 2008/ before i become 30s, it should be an interesting years not only for me, even my whole family has been travelling lately.  The happiness is that I am no longer travel on my own, but with my darling, Simon.

Oh, time flies.  I am going to be in Korea and HK in 11 days and then Phuket-Thailand, and Ireland.  I am looking forward the 2nd half of the year and 2009, 2010 for many many trips

Anyways, I will have another slow week from 24-4 to catch up my work here before I am flying over to Korea to meet up my darling.

Okbye

Hello~!

I had a well-rested 3 days from my annual leaves.  Besides having a relaxing days, i miss my darling so much.  I always waited for his call.

I was looking at my personal diary earlier when i realised the darling and i are just 13 days away from our travelling to Korea and Hong Kong.

And now, darling spent a beautiful trip firstly to San Frans and then now he is at Tokyo, Japan and toasting his time without me.  I knew he want me to be there together with him, but i have to work and this seperate a-far.  Thank god~!  Yesterday,  i received the sweetest written message in a post-card that made me tear, his text, phone calls every other day never fails ever since he was away from me.  The day is closer to each other, we will be together.

I am so happy today because Simon’s sister - Sarah Jane is on facebook too:)  So, i quickly leave her a message to say HI!  Oh, i always forgot to regards to my darling’s mum, dad and brother sister.  It’s because I was too much talking to my darling so i tend to forget about his family members, am so bad a girl :)  Okay, i will have another week or so to complete my work.  Okbye, me back to work.  Oh darling, let me have all your complete pictures first before i post on my blog ya

Simon’s wrote:

Got cut off babe will try again before I go to Kyoto. This place is nuts we have to visit together sometime. Love you and we are getting closer!

Haha..it’s my annual leaves from last year.

Going to cut and colour my hair.  Will have a quiet time with mum and sister.  Will learn some cooking from mummy.  Will do reading as well.

okay.  My darling will be flying over to Japan tomorrow.    Babe sit tight and take care and have a safe journey.

another 2 weeks to go and then i can meet my darling in Korea & HK.  The very important day for both of us.

cheers and have a nice public holiday tomorrow~!

another green from where i’ve visited last year @ Mountain Kijau, Terengganu.

…One of the Project Manager turned me down today.

He gave me a card as a token of appreciation of my work.  I worked this out for almost 3 months, close to 5th months approximately.    But he make me lost for RM25K.  Work and life is so funny.  Anyways, forget it.

Hmmm….it’s easy to let your hopes and dreams fall through the cracks in times of severe adversity.   Every now and then,  i envision myself at a 9 to 5 probably doing PR and making a normal person’s salary and more.   Reality or not?   I dont know of too many jobs where you start off making 20K after a college degree.   Where you’re forced to relocate to ridiculous places at the ends of the earth for an indefinite amount of time. where people in the industry will rip you apart for looking/not-looking a certain way and attack you for the stigmas attached to wanting to be on TV  and people not in the industry still feel like they have the right to tell you what to do.   Oh yeah, and people loathe you.   They’ll blame you for the way a story was covered and keep spreading the reporter hate.

I am so stressed at work but challenging.  So weird.

Have you ever known you wanted to be something your entire life?   People ask me why i’m doing this job.   It’s become more of a sensitive issue because honestly, i’m tired.   I don’t need or want to explain myself and i don’t need any more of the baggage that i already have.   Having a good attitude is imperative;  but i feel like it’s slowly deteriorating as i approach obstacle after obstacle.  Here you go, there’s a difference with being desperate for a job and being desperate for a job.   There’s a difference with wanting to be a HR/IT and already being one.   Lots of things and people will try to keep you down, i’ve realized.   In a strange and twisted way,  i do like being challenged and taking the ‘road less traveled’.   It’s not that i want life to be more complicated, but i want the satisfaction of knowing i worked my ass off for something.

And then, suddenly i received my darling’s sweet sms..something brighten up my entire day

Have to go back dinner now..Mum is calling home..okbye!

my work can make me heart attack.   Waiting is the worse case ever.  I don’t like to wait, you know?

so, i need some green.  My blog nice or not?

my darling’s sms this morning make me smile and deep inside i knew i am a lucky girl.

simon’s next destination: Japan.

Wayne’s e[mail] the above pictures to me.  Looks like Dubai is a very beautiful country

Good morning everyone,  Good morning to my mummy, sisters and brother and Good morning to my darling, Simon, you are on the 5th day in San Frans , Bay Cruises in Golden Gate sounds excellent and romantics~!

You know, for the first time in a long while, i’ve found a renewed incentive to get up in the morning and begin each day as though i were accomplishing something significant.   Not as though i’ve been dicking around the past few months, but when you give up your entire life to chase a dream that may or may not be,  dark thoughts tend to occur.

So what’s the reason for the sunshine in my days?   It’s amazing how much significance a single person can impact your life.   That’s always been the power of a friend, even acquaintances.   Although i’ve only been around a 20-somewhat years,  it’s fun to reminisce upon all the people that’ve made a footprint as of yet.   I know, it’s cheesy and cliche.  Our lives are like rivers.   It’s comforting to know that everybody you encounter bring you somewhat closer to a destiny that i believe we’re all meant for.

Put it this way, according to my friends, they think i’m gonna get tired one day and settle and crown whoever the heck i’m with as “the one”.   Not exactly the romance that i live and die for, but probably much more realistic than my story book fantasies.   

Actually,  i’m high on compassion..

I let emotions get the best of me.   I have strong emotions to those i care about.  Like my penpal, John @ L.A, he would have say, i overanalyze and get hard upon situations.   Like when somebody leaves your life.   Somebody dying.  Or when somebody/thing hurts you.   Broken hearts, dysfunctional friendships, in moments of pain it’s virtually impossible to understand rhyme and reason.   But in hindsight, every single hardship and every single person has been a contribution towards making you “better”.

If somebody were saying those words to me, i’d think they’re on crack.   For some reason, it makes sense because it’s been applicable so far.   Either that, or i’m just an incredibly idealistic who’s still staring thru rose-coloured glasses and trying to convince myself that there are greener pastures ahead.   Well to my family, my friends and my darling, the best is already come to me

I’m in the office in the sunday morning, have to get back to work.  Okbye~!

Simon’s message:-

“today is St Patricks day here so much fun but you know i could have fun twenty four seven and still have a better time with you you are my one my only my perfect babe my pillar my charlene “

*the day is getting closer to my darling, Simon.*

 Forgot to mention, I had a long conversation with Wayne the other day.

Wayne was my ex-finance manager.  Now, he is happily staying with his wifey and the daughters in Dubai.   I managed to retrieve this picture taken by Wayne 3 years ago.  Thought i’d put this picture up on my blog as for memories.   It’s always nice to talk to Wayne on career, friends and personal problems.  Our conversation never stops for 2 hours.  Now, he and the wifey is really happy for me and my darling and they *thumbs up* :)  - wayne will be sending me more latest pictures from Dubai.

Okay.  I took a wrong train, twice on my way home last night.   I am very very exhausted and stressed at work.   I wasn’t able to accomplish alot of things, especially i was not able to help people as much as i want to as what they needed.  Seems like as though like i am not capable to do what i like to do at my job. 

Have you ever…

I mean how many people have the luxury of waking up in the morning and saying to themselves,  “i can’t wait to start work today”?    I think its because my mom had incessantly drilled into my head as a kid, you must find a good paying job that you like that it was a subconscious lifelong mission all along.   And now 27 years later,  i’m at the point where i can’t wait to start my job because i’m just that passionate about it.

Come to think of it,  sometimes even that’s not enough.   I’ve decided its time to retire (but, my retire age would be 55).  I think staying in K.L is safe and practical.   Familiar faces are comfortable.   The income is constant and progressive.   What more could you want?    On the contrary, this past year was a complete epiphany.  You know, and i think that it comes down to my fear that i may look back one day and realized that i settled.

I cannot deny it, i love my current job and it is all i am just that passionate about it.  So, do you like your job/career?  Take the job you like to do and passionate is the key word.

It’s 7 in the evening..i need to get back to work.

I am going to be in Seremban’s village to spend my quiet time tomorrow and will have dinner with my family and my younger brother’s Taiwanese gf is here in K.L.  Happy weekend everyone

my darling as at:  San Francisco on the 3rd day.  Another 23 days and before you know it, we will get to see each other in Korea

okbye~!

my manager and i had a meeting with our client yesterday.

during our meeting, this guy behaved terribly bad.  I kinda understand why i don’t like Asian guy (i am sorry if i sounds offended).  But that was what i’ve seen the worse case, ever.  Well, maybe there are some more bad guy than him.   What pissed me off is that this guy could tell you in this formal meeting that how he doesn’t like a girl (his supplier) and how he blame that girl how stupidly she was and he even told us the very bad side of this girl and that he wanted to slap that girl left and right. 

What’s wrong with him?  Can you imagine he is now working in a very big multinational organization?  My manager and i were speechless.

WHAT is this world?!?!

anyways, need to catch up some work here, [e-mail] from Jason and Nick is coming in my inbox, Australian people hardworking eh? ~!

Happy day people~!